Home sweet home

People always say " Home sweet home" when they get back to there hometown. However, i often ask myself "where is home?"

Being born and raised in Hong Kong, I have experienced a huge culture conflict. Most of my friends come from a really international background. Whenever we get together we will talk about our stories of lives. I find common that my friends always do not know where they belong and where they call it home due to raise with different cultures all together or they can actually call more than one place as home. The fact is that they can not really fit in either side of their heritages.

Even for me, I am a Chinese who grew up in Hong Kong. Experiencing international culture for most of my high school journey, I find it funny how i do not feel like this is home. Moreover, i can not fit in at school or church.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1oxcr-K99Q

Updates

Now it's 126 in the morning, i really should be in bed right now. However, i feel like i dont have much time to reflect on my life recently. Therefore, i should take sometimes and think about what i ve done in my life since i ve came back from Rwanda.

School started almost 2 months ago. How do you like it? Honestly, i dont like it at all. Actually, i ve found myself hating it. For what reason? Plenty of them. I dont even know where to start. I think i hate school is simply because it's kinda slowing me down for what i wanna do, like college apps. And stuff teach at school are just not so useful, i mean i find it interesting but not so the way i expected from a while ago. Classmates are complicated, ive always heard gossip everywhere i go. I mean i m not saying i m perfect and i think gossip will never be gone. But i mean come on! I have ups and downs already, i dont wanna hear people taking about other group of people bad things. It just kinda annoys me.

I also feel like im in a situation that im so stressful, i really wanna take sometime of to spend some quality time with my family and friends. This is actually the first i ve ever said something like this.

I feel so bad about cant be at church as much as used to be, and my relationship with god isnt as close as used to be. However, i know that i cant blame anyone about that, sometimes you just have to make time for god. And i somehow make myself repeating this thought in my mind all the time. ( God puts me to wherever you are now for a very special reason, you gonna be fine.) Sometimes, things go very crazy i just couldnt fine when im not. Therefore, bad temper and such awful behavior involved.

Finally, i ve decided to resign one of my jobs and my last day would be this Thursday. i really hope that God would lead me to a new stage of life that i can just simply get done with the things that i suppose to be finish on time. More importantly, finish my application for Moody.

A bigger picture

I would never think I have a chance to go to Rwanda. There were so many things

bother me right before the trip. Firstly, my dad got in some kind of trouble during

my finals. Secondly, I was waiting the offers from school. Those things make me feel

hopeless, lack of peace and lonely. At that time I was so afraid to face my situation

and deal with my problems. However, God brought me there.

In Rwanda, the most important thing I have learned is to focus on the bigger picture

from God’s plan. On the second day of the trip, we were supposed to meet up with

the street kids to play soccer with them, but somehow the field that we planned

to go was occupied. Also one of us wallet got stolen from the local people, and

his passport was in it. All these obstacles, we will directly think evil is behind it.

However, i have learned that sometimes in our life these hardships and difficulties

will lead us to God’s ultimate great plan.

Eventually, We got another field for the streets kids, and one of them got us back the

wallet. Moreover, Praise told us the story about the street kid who got us back the

wallet. Praise said he used to be a kid who would not help us to get back the wallet.

Instead of not helping us, he was saying that “ No matter what ill get the wallet

back.” What I mean is without all these obstacles we will not see the change of these

kids. I always heard people saying” don’t worry! Focus on the bigger picture!” Now I

finally understand that.

On the other hand, I am so glad that God give me an opportunity to be able to

meet all my wonderful teammates. I totally enjoy the time when we hung out

in Rwanda. More importantly, we share some much special things. Like the life

style in Rwanda. Also the things we share everyday during devotion. I have to say

I love you guys so much. I hope I can go back to Rwanda with you guys next year.

Summer 2010

I still remember how i was saying this summer feel kinda long. The summer is already half way through. Cant really believe that time flies that fast. But i think this summer i have learn a lot of things that i would never expect.

First of all, I still remember how i sign up for Rwanda trip very last min. I didnt even think that i will go to Rwanda, cuz at that time my life was kinda falling part. Everything seem really not stable, how can i get out of hk anyway? On the other hand, i didnt think i was ready as well. At that time i just started working at Fat Angelo's. So everything was a mess in my life. However, Rwanda trip happen to be at the right place in my life. I was really amazed how everything work out really well through the whole summer. And i finally know that if god wants you to be there, youll be there! And also the trip itself is a really amazing blessing in my life! How i met some really cool people and how we shared during the trip. It was just awesome.

Second of all, Im really amazed that how much i ve learn from my job and how i got my job. I still remember i want a job really bad, and i cant really find one. Finally, god gave this one to me. Working at Fat Angelo's as a server is a really hard thing for me. Because i havent worked at a restaurant before, i absolutely know nothing about being a server. Therefore, i was freaking out the whole time. Gladly, i get used to it faster than i thought. And also the wonderful people i met at this company is also a blessing. Because they both have their stories, and they're willing to teach me everything. Most of our staff at Fat Angelo's they're my age, and we're all facing the uncertainty cause by the life changing situation. So we will share and be with each others all the time!

Last but not least, this summer god has also taught me how to wait. Ive been waiting for school offers since the day i finish my interview at school. At this moment Im still waiting. Also i have already told how i feel about the girl i like, and i m still waiting. So god really has taught me how to wait and dont be worried too much.

God has taught me well through the summer, and i m still excited whats gonna happen next.

Suffering?

Why do people suffer? Simply because they had something better before! For example, people will never complain when they're enjoying their lives and they will also expect that will last foever. The fact is the wonderful life they have will not last that long. In fact, they have a lot of testing, disappointment, complaining and disbelieving in there lives instead of the good things. These thoughts and the bad situation eventually turn in to suffering. Only because things are not happening the way that people expect.Therefore, expecting good things happen in your own life will lead to suffering...

i just start this article

but is really hard to finish it=[

Sickness

Near every time when i'm really sick, i'll ask myself a question" am I gonna die?" Fortunately, i''ve been through every single one of them!

This week is the hardest week in my entire life! I got a Flu during the beginning of the week, then i got a intestine infection during the same week. Isn't that sound fun? Nope it's not fun at all! I've been suffering through the whole week! With no one to help at all! Why? Cuz Dad is in a great trouble!

I know my dad well! He can be smart sometime, but in general he's a dumb man! He always do something that put himself and his family in a dangerous situation. Being his son, Its kind of fun sometime, but most of the time is suffering! I'm not so much a " wanna be wealthy" person, all i want is to be normal. However, in real life i'm always way more then normal! I'm the one always cleaning up my dad's mess! Always taking care of him!

Anyways, this entry its not to blame him. All i want to say is, i think i carry sickness all the time, even is physically or mentally! Also all i want is to focus on my own work like school or work or whatever! Cant you just let me breathe some time? The timing of you giving me mess to clean, is all wrong! I'm too sick of it! I just wanna leave and never come back! I have never feel this so strongly before!

update

it's been a long time since i updated this blog last time. Life is good here in Hong Kong, school about to come an end, finding jobs. it has been pretty normal.

I don't really know what to talk about though! Why don't talk about time? Every time i get on a bus, there are two things that i wanna do. First thing is reading my book, the second one is to listen to my I-pod. However, i found it weird that i wanna do both of them. It's like whenever i'm listening to the i-pod i'll feel bad for my book which's laying in my bag. HAHA I know this's pretty funny.

Speaking of books and music, I love both of them. For music, I have like a huge library in my itunes like 14 GBs. Of course my favourite type of music is Country. Country is my life! So if you're my friend and you don't it you better don't let me know about it=] For books, i currently reading the Sons of Fortune by Jeffery Archer. It's a fiction novel, but not like the kind fiction novel i used to read all the time, this's more realistic and it's talk about stuff that we face everyday. Like Law and army. So i think this's the reason why i like it!

Finally, I'm still waiting to hear back from my school's offer, also looking for a job for the summer. I know god has a great plan for that, but i'm kinda freak out right now. Cuz i remember how i had the church offer way before i started my holiday! So if any of you guys see this please pray for me! okay time to go, will update soon! cya

Acceptance form God

Oh my gosh! I've never thought of that as in like a big deal! In fact it is...! So i went to resound today! Mel and i were kinda late, so the song that we heard was how he loves us! And i think it's great song but i didnt have any feeling with that song!

Then jason started talking...I dont wanna talk about the whole thing. So i'm just talk about the stuff that stand out personally! ?Well he was kinda saying like how jesus had done nothing back in the time, but God still say "he's my son the one i plesased!" And he was explanning how we dont have to do anything thing to make God loves us! Because we are born in the way he loves us! And of course he created us as the way he wants us to be! Still, at that point i wasnt having any special feeling about it!

Then he showed us one of his birthday cards from his little brother! and it's said at the end "you should keep it...because this is one of a kind!" I was dumb i didnt even feel any yet! Then he showed us the video that i watched before..!The video was telling that a son cant even move his arm but he wants to run a Marathon... and his dad said yes to him, he was running with him the whole time with his heelchair! Not even a running Marathon he took him to Triathlon, while he was swimming he was swimming with the little boat..! That's the way how god loves us too! The father was doing those things to see his son' smile!The way how god illustrate his love to us...! It's just AWESOME! Like I started crying during the video..! That he's kinda saying why we dont need to comparing with others, or like do more and like doing good stuff to make myself holier! Cuz we are one of a kind! And we are not human Doings, we 're human beings!

I was crying a lot during the talk ... Cuz i know how bad i wanna be famous, how bad i wanna be a perfect child perfect friend, perfect brother... In fact, we 're not even close! We just gonna keep failing ourselves! it makes our lifes even worse with these kind of burden that we made to ourselves...! However, God's always there for us! His love is gonna make this kind burden vanished and turn into something good! Just like the lyrics said "he turns ashes to beauty"

This is really important to me. Cuz i'm the type of guy that always saying to myself" I'm not good enough". God said you're suck if you gonna judge yourself basic on human perspective, it's never gonna be good enough! However From my perspective you're one of a kind, just the way i want you to be, cuz you're my lovely son..! So put down your burden. cuz you have my love and you know what i think of you already!

God thank you for saying this to me! you touch my heart! You're so aweome! Ilove you so much! And i will try my best to remember that i 'm one of a kind of yours!

Life

Wow...I think i'm more mature that i thought i am! I dont know why! Well the only thing i was thinking about is get a degree as soon as possible! In order to do that, i have to study full time for another 5years... that's suck! But i mean who doesnt wanna get a degree...? For me degree is a thing to prove people i can do this i can do that...or to do something i wanna do! However, I'm totally lost, like i have no idea what i wanna do or like why i wanna stay at school!

Before i thought that it's all because the streess or those works...but now i dont think so! What i am sure is i need to find my characters ...! In order to do that i need to try new stuff or work a little bit. Therefore taking a gap year would be good for me!

I remeber people were shoked that i'm taking a gap year after i'm done with this course! But i think this time i really know what i want! I coudlnt find any reason why i wanna stay at school! Well there is one, to get the certificate..! other than that i truely couldnt think of any!

I really need to stop comparing myself to others...and also stop blaming how old i am...! people learn for their whole life! So i still have tons of times! What's more important? Focus on god more...sometime we totally forgot the bigger picture..! There gonna be reason why god puts you here... So yeah! Now i think god is telling me to take a gap year..! Youll never know what comes next! But my life is yours lord...! I trust you!

Result

Well, i know i havent wrote anything lastely! It's not becasue i'm lazy, I really dont think people is reading this! However, Jesse asked me why didnt i write anything on the blog.... Then I finally realize that there are people reading this blog!

Okay! Result, I thought i did okay cuz like most of the subjects are okay and like i worked so hard on each of the subjects...! However, when I realize i wasnt doing that great if i compare with my classmate. I feel really bad!

Compare! Well This is the the biggest reason why i wanna go overseas! Hk is like a really crazy place, cuz all they do its comparing people!whoever worse than the best one is loser...! This is so bad..! Actually, I found out that my emotion effected on my health as well. After i got my result back i started to feel bad physically!

Iknow i wasnt that good ... but please dont really push me... I really wanna die...! Study it's really crazy here... Ijust wanna leave...it's like the hardest thing in my life... not that you're not good enough... it's like the way people look at you it's really scary.. even your best friends are try to push...! You're not good enough you can do better! I know those are the words that make you do better! But i really cant take it! Dont apply your asianess in myself! IN HK no one can get straight A's.... as list not in local school! It's really tearing me apart,,,! Iknow I screw up already...! I always think that im useless.. People at my age should be in College but im not! just dont wanna think about it! I'm always not go enough! I'm rubbish

Sick of Drama

Well, i thought that the first day of the new semester would be really great! But i thought that way...I even uploaded the photo of the good weather on facebook which means a good start of the new semester. I really thought the first day back to school would be awesome. The fact is not!

The drama was caused becuase of the spliting in to groups for Group presentation. I always stick with the group with my best friends, but the situation is not the same anymore. That girl dating with that guy, that guy have to be the leader of the group. For some reason i just know that i would not have a happy ending with that group, cuz i'm kinda a leader role in a group. Therefore it would cause even more drama if i join that group. So i decided to be at the other group.

I really thought that would be the perfect move for the situation that i had! However, the girl gone mad cuz i dont wanna join her group. But think about it. How would people on the earth would join a group like that. I mean it dosent mean that i dont like being friends with them but i just cant take that much of drama, the only thing i want is to focus on my work!

Next time, i should think of smarter move for myself, if have to deal with a situation like that! Well I just dont want eveyone to be upset!

Beside that it was a pretty good school day for me cuz i was pretty focusing! And I still feel God's present. After all the things i've been through to get this feeling back, hope that feeling is not going away any sooner!

btw i got a knitted scarf form 1 of my classmates=]

A Touching Coversation with God

I think you guys all know that i've been barely showing up recently. Umm, i think the reason is because i didnt think i deserve this wonderful and GREAT( as Crowder said) relationship with God. At that time i have a lot of problems to deal with. For example, my Mom's family having a money problem because of her husband loses his job, my dad still having a low paid job, school stuff is driven me crazy and i was kinda learning to be more independence. Those stuff were making me really stressful. Therefore i didnt wanna go to church at all to show my pitty face!

Today, i went to the 5pm service( thanks Tyler) The Service was GREAT because was about God. One thing was like slap my face off! He said something like " nothing can make god loves you more or less!" At that point i started crying cuz i've forgot the most important thing about god, and he was kinda mentioned the song that i have no idea what that is. The lyrics was so touching. After the speaking we sang the " Here im to worship" i couldnt hold my tears anymore, then i ask Caro for tissue, i hope i didnt scared you!

The reason why i was crying is because i always tell myself that why im going through all those stuff but no one is there to say something like "everything's gonna be okay!" or "you're doing great!" . But today i really feel love from God. HE really touches my heart. Now i know what's like to have a relationship with God. This is what i have never tried before!

Encounter

I feel like i havent been to encounter for so long.I just really miss the encounterlast year. I thought we were so close with each other. That makes me realize i should talk to the new kids more!

It was better than i thought though! Small group was kinda awkward for me. i have no idea why, but i just didnt feel like to share, maybe i get used to jon and Matt too much, now i need sometime to get used to the new leaders. btw they are so cool! but i just need sometime...

After the small group we sang together, and i played a little bit guitar! I havent played that in a really long time! I miss it so much!

Then we went to watch The Imagnarium of Doctor Parnssus. it was good but jon and marcus dont like it...!

Ummm, going back to school next monday. I dont wanna go back for sure, cuz i know once i started school i would be really busy, and i dont have time to hang out with my friends, which is i really hate about school! Anyway, i'm gonna try my best to show up!

Jesse thanks for your email! I'm checking the tickets every week, i think that plan is work for me, and thank you for putting them together for me. I'm really looking forward to you guys' wedding! PS TST is good option for honey moon!

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