Sickness

Near every time when i'm really sick, i'll ask myself a question" am I gonna die?" Fortunately, i''ve been through every single one of them!

This week is the hardest week in my entire life! I got a Flu during the beginning of the week, then i got a intestine infection during the same week. Isn't that sound fun? Nope it's not fun at all! I've been suffering through the whole week! With no one to help at all! Why? Cuz Dad is in a great trouble!

I know my dad well! He can be smart sometime, but in general he's a dumb man! He always do something that put himself and his family in a dangerous situation. Being his son, Its kind of fun sometime, but most of the time is suffering! I'm not so much a " wanna be wealthy" person, all i want is to be normal. However, in real life i'm always way more then normal! I'm the one always cleaning up my dad's mess! Always taking care of him!

Anyways, this entry its not to blame him. All i want to say is, i think i carry sickness all the time, even is physically or mentally! Also all i want is to focus on my own work like school or work or whatever! Cant you just let me breathe some time? The timing of you giving me mess to clean, is all wrong! I'm too sick of it! I just wanna leave and never come back! I have never feel this so strongly before!

update

it's been a long time since i updated this blog last time. Life is good here in Hong Kong, school about to come an end, finding jobs. it has been pretty normal.

I don't really know what to talk about though! Why don't talk about time? Every time i get on a bus, there are two things that i wanna do. First thing is reading my book, the second one is to listen to my I-pod. However, i found it weird that i wanna do both of them. It's like whenever i'm listening to the i-pod i'll feel bad for my book which's laying in my bag. HAHA I know this's pretty funny.

Speaking of books and music, I love both of them. For music, I have like a huge library in my itunes like 14 GBs. Of course my favourite type of music is Country. Country is my life! So if you're my friend and you don't it you better don't let me know about it=] For books, i currently reading the Sons of Fortune by Jeffery Archer. It's a fiction novel, but not like the kind fiction novel i used to read all the time, this's more realistic and it's talk about stuff that we face everyday. Like Law and army. So i think this's the reason why i like it!

Finally, I'm still waiting to hear back from my school's offer, also looking for a job for the summer. I know god has a great plan for that, but i'm kinda freak out right now. Cuz i remember how i had the church offer way before i started my holiday! So if any of you guys see this please pray for me! okay time to go, will update soon! cya

Acceptance form God

Oh my gosh! I've never thought of that as in like a big deal! In fact it is...! So i went to resound today! Mel and i were kinda late, so the song that we heard was how he loves us! And i think it's great song but i didnt have any feeling with that song!

Then jason started talking...I dont wanna talk about the whole thing. So i'm just talk about the stuff that stand out personally! ?Well he was kinda saying like how jesus had done nothing back in the time, but God still say "he's my son the one i plesased!" And he was explanning how we dont have to do anything thing to make God loves us! Because we are born in the way he loves us! And of course he created us as the way he wants us to be! Still, at that point i wasnt having any special feeling about it!

Then he showed us one of his birthday cards from his little brother! and it's said at the end "you should keep it...because this is one of a kind!" I was dumb i didnt even feel any yet! Then he showed us the video that i watched before..!The video was telling that a son cant even move his arm but he wants to run a Marathon... and his dad said yes to him, he was running with him the whole time with his heelchair! Not even a running Marathon he took him to Triathlon, while he was swimming he was swimming with the little boat..! That's the way how god loves us too! The father was doing those things to see his son' smile!The way how god illustrate his love to us...! It's just AWESOME! Like I started crying during the video..! That he's kinda saying why we dont need to comparing with others, or like do more and like doing good stuff to make myself holier! Cuz we are one of a kind! And we are not human Doings, we 're human beings!

I was crying a lot during the talk ... Cuz i know how bad i wanna be famous, how bad i wanna be a perfect child perfect friend, perfect brother... In fact, we 're not even close! We just gonna keep failing ourselves! it makes our lifes even worse with these kind of burden that we made to ourselves...! However, God's always there for us! His love is gonna make this kind burden vanished and turn into something good! Just like the lyrics said "he turns ashes to beauty"

This is really important to me. Cuz i'm the type of guy that always saying to myself" I'm not good enough". God said you're suck if you gonna judge yourself basic on human perspective, it's never gonna be good enough! However From my perspective you're one of a kind, just the way i want you to be, cuz you're my lovely son..! So put down your burden. cuz you have my love and you know what i think of you already!

God thank you for saying this to me! you touch my heart! You're so aweome! Ilove you so much! And i will try my best to remember that i 'm one of a kind of yours!

Life

Wow...I think i'm more mature that i thought i am! I dont know why! Well the only thing i was thinking about is get a degree as soon as possible! In order to do that, i have to study full time for another 5years... that's suck! But i mean who doesnt wanna get a degree...? For me degree is a thing to prove people i can do this i can do that...or to do something i wanna do! However, I'm totally lost, like i have no idea what i wanna do or like why i wanna stay at school!

Before i thought that it's all because the streess or those works...but now i dont think so! What i am sure is i need to find my characters ...! In order to do that i need to try new stuff or work a little bit. Therefore taking a gap year would be good for me!

I remeber people were shoked that i'm taking a gap year after i'm done with this course! But i think this time i really know what i want! I coudlnt find any reason why i wanna stay at school! Well there is one, to get the certificate..! other than that i truely couldnt think of any!

I really need to stop comparing myself to others...and also stop blaming how old i am...! people learn for their whole life! So i still have tons of times! What's more important? Focus on god more...sometime we totally forgot the bigger picture..! There gonna be reason why god puts you here... So yeah! Now i think god is telling me to take a gap year..! Youll never know what comes next! But my life is yours lord...! I trust you!

Result

Well, i know i havent wrote anything lastely! It's not becasue i'm lazy, I really dont think people is reading this! However, Jesse asked me why didnt i write anything on the blog.... Then I finally realize that there are people reading this blog!

Okay! Result, I thought i did okay cuz like most of the subjects are okay and like i worked so hard on each of the subjects...! However, when I realize i wasnt doing that great if i compare with my classmate. I feel really bad!

Compare! Well This is the the biggest reason why i wanna go overseas! Hk is like a really crazy place, cuz all they do its comparing people!whoever worse than the best one is loser...! This is so bad..! Actually, I found out that my emotion effected on my health as well. After i got my result back i started to feel bad physically!

Iknow i wasnt that good ... but please dont really push me... I really wanna die...! Study it's really crazy here... Ijust wanna leave...it's like the hardest thing in my life... not that you're not good enough... it's like the way people look at you it's really scary.. even your best friends are try to push...! You're not good enough you can do better! I know those are the words that make you do better! But i really cant take it! Dont apply your asianess in myself! IN HK no one can get straight A's.... as list not in local school! It's really tearing me apart,,,! Iknow I screw up already...! I always think that im useless.. People at my age should be in College but im not! just dont wanna think about it! I'm always not go enough! I'm rubbish

Sick of Drama

Well, i thought that the first day of the new semester would be really great! But i thought that way...I even uploaded the photo of the good weather on facebook which means a good start of the new semester. I really thought the first day back to school would be awesome. The fact is not!

The drama was caused becuase of the spliting in to groups for Group presentation. I always stick with the group with my best friends, but the situation is not the same anymore. That girl dating with that guy, that guy have to be the leader of the group. For some reason i just know that i would not have a happy ending with that group, cuz i'm kinda a leader role in a group. Therefore it would cause even more drama if i join that group. So i decided to be at the other group.

I really thought that would be the perfect move for the situation that i had! However, the girl gone mad cuz i dont wanna join her group. But think about it. How would people on the earth would join a group like that. I mean it dosent mean that i dont like being friends with them but i just cant take that much of drama, the only thing i want is to focus on my work!

Next time, i should think of smarter move for myself, if have to deal with a situation like that! Well I just dont want eveyone to be upset!

Beside that it was a pretty good school day for me cuz i was pretty focusing! And I still feel God's present. After all the things i've been through to get this feeling back, hope that feeling is not going away any sooner!

btw i got a knitted scarf form 1 of my classmates=]

A Touching Coversation with God

I think you guys all know that i've been barely showing up recently. Umm, i think the reason is because i didnt think i deserve this wonderful and GREAT( as Crowder said) relationship with God. At that time i have a lot of problems to deal with. For example, my Mom's family having a money problem because of her husband loses his job, my dad still having a low paid job, school stuff is driven me crazy and i was kinda learning to be more independence. Those stuff were making me really stressful. Therefore i didnt wanna go to church at all to show my pitty face!

Today, i went to the 5pm service( thanks Tyler) The Service was GREAT because was about God. One thing was like slap my face off! He said something like " nothing can make god loves you more or less!" At that point i started crying cuz i've forgot the most important thing about god, and he was kinda mentioned the song that i have no idea what that is. The lyrics was so touching. After the speaking we sang the " Here im to worship" i couldnt hold my tears anymore, then i ask Caro for tissue, i hope i didnt scared you!

The reason why i was crying is because i always tell myself that why im going through all those stuff but no one is there to say something like "everything's gonna be okay!" or "you're doing great!" . But today i really feel love from God. HE really touches my heart. Now i know what's like to have a relationship with God. This is what i have never tried before!